Geneva's · Musings

Back again. Seems like all my bad karma is finally getting paid back in full. I'm taking a summer course and it is literally killing me. Soon, I will probably go mad from the insanity of it all. I am an A/B student in college, but I can get no better than a D- in this class. We have had two test thus far and I have received a 60% on both of them. We just took a third today and I completely blanked out on it and then had a panic attack. I nearly passed out because I was breathing so hard. Instead I went to the bathroom in an attempt for my stomach to relieve itself of the very little breakfast I had had this morning. Of course, my stomach no longer wished to cooperate so i went back to the classroom sweating and shaking because of my damn nerves. There is so much stress on me to do well in this course and I know that I bombed this most recent test. I'll be lucky if I can get a third of the points for it. I can't believe I was so stupid to believe that i could actually pull this off. Working and taking a high level summer school course. I've been in school since last August with very few breaks in between.

What if my getting good grades up until now was just a fluke? What if I really am average in my intelligence NO, below average! That will be the only thing about me that I really had to brag about, without my academic skills I'm just some old grouch that thinks the sky's going to fall on her at any moment! Sure I've got my personality, but when it borders on being bi-polar I can't trust anyone to stick with me for long. My best friend (who's like a sister to me) is the only one I felt I can trust lately, but even SHE seems to be wary of me now. I'm like a powder keg ready to explode! The disturbing thing is, I find this darker way of thinking to be highly enjoyable. I LIKE this feeling of being close to madness. I'm talking to myself and people that aren't there almost all the time now. Fantasy mixes with reality to the point that I don't know if I'm awake or in a nightmare. I enjoy the pain, but at the same time, HATE the insecurity that comes with it. I feel as though I'm about to fall of the edge of the earth and tumble through the abyss that is now my mind. I'm terrified to meditate for fear of what I will discover. My mind is so distorted it make American McGee's rendition of Wonderland look like Disney World. Perhaps I should stop playing "Alice" until my mind gets back under control. Not that it would help much, but it would be a start.

I seem to be lacking the time and the will to do anything at the moment, except pity myself, a rather disgusting concept, but true. Pity will get me nowhere, but I can't seem to do much else. Okay, I worry more than I pity, but that isn't any better. My mind and soul are so far separated, I can't seem to find either one of them. Talk about frustrating. If I don't get it together and fast, I won't be able to salvage my Physics grade (hell, it's already too late to save it, but at least I won't go down in a blaze, more like a slight flicker). I must get going before lose my sanity entirely!